The post-Hurricane Tropicana, in the gambler's Atlantus atop a sobbing, soaking, flooded New Jersey boardwalk kingdom, was drab and damp and very December, but also tropical in a lonesome sort of way. Donald Tramp walked up and down the same flight of stairs, glided up and down one set of escalators, for close to three hours on end without pause as a television crew from a failing national TV boxcasting conglomerate fumbled with its state of the art junkmaking, camcording, and cacophony collector gizmos. The network chose the don of Tramps, a persona non grata not permitted entry into any restaurants or places of business as a patron by local city ordinance, as the subject of the latest kick-making reality synthesis program. In the event that the Trampmeister had money, which was a rarity of rarities on the shores of Jerseyland's boardwalk Atlantus, statutes declared it illegal to accept any money from Mssr. Donald Tramp. Therefore, not only was Donald tramp a tramp per se but he was an ex post facto tramp, an a priori tramp, a bum to the bone -- legally and morally and physiologically -- a tramp as tramp in and of itself. The Don of Tramps, his trampness, known simply and justly as "The Tramp" or "The Trampus", was fortune's bastard son.
The don of tramps had not always been such a down and out rapscallion. In fact, the Trampus had been a very, very wealthy man. At one time far enough in the past for people to call the Tramp by another name, a nomiker which the Atlantic laws recognized on non-tramp, pre-recycled document-style paper stored in files and not trashcans, the Trampus was the king of Atlantic City and all of its gambling, sin, and greasy New Jersey slime and the greasy money and greasy coins that slid greasily into the slot machine. The grease monkey of greed and money, His Trampus was the Lord, the overlord, in fact, of all that was New Jersey's game of chance on the boardwalk. The Trampus had a monopoly on the monopoly board game of boardwalks and park aves and penn railroads and little metal avatars. It was the Trampus who said you're fired or your higher depending upon the caprice of the Trampus at that moment of trampling utterance. The Trampas tupe was worth more in that exotic historical epoch than a full head of hair on a golden fleece headed purt plus ken doll model-man of perfection, more than any hair of a hairdo highness, because His Highness the Trampus was not a tramp but the trump card in every game on every table in every gambling house on the greasy greasy boardwalks of The Shores of Jersey.
That was then and this is now and today trumps yesterday as time tramples moment in its parade, tick-tocks marching coldly into the future. The wind was cold, and the kept those waves rolling in and those clouds billowing and billowing billowing along the shore. The television program crew assembled in the Tropicana underneath the canopy Underneath a False Caribbean sky. Adam Schildgen and Jerry Codes bantered in the back where the gizmos and gadgets assemble like cyborg and terminators preparing for the war of the machines. This reality program promise to be really really really entertaining reality. Like for real. The last reality program that Adam and Jerry work on, together, as always, the reality team do low, the musketeers of must-see, was the real housewives of the dirty bank. One Legget Bambie was a huge hit with the soccer mom set. Play boy did a full centerfold peas prominently displaying her feminine curvy body and her sexy Pegleg. She used the same as a platform to publish her short Nollville, the peg leg archipelago. Grammy awards were not one but Jerry and Adam were pleased with the nominations. They kept a running tally on their sexual exploits, the sex Bloyd log, as they referred to it, and kept a running competition. All that fame had gotten to their head.
Atlantis of the Jersey shore was the perfect venue for whimsical wagering. So, in keeping with the setting of the latest reality program, Jerry and Adam bet there Thieman fortune on the popularity of the down and outs trampus. Better put, they wagered their popularity on the notoriety, perhaps Infini, of the tramp. His tramp nest, a former mobile, had to be dazzled the screens flickering in the living rooms of middle America for years, and the two pay of the tramp was a hairpiece for the ages. His catchphrase, which nicely distilled the essence of the tramp formerly known as Mssr. T___, was "you're fired."
This was an eye deal subject matter for the second wave of reality programming by the musketeers of must-see. The musketeers, however, in the height of their success, were not a duo. They were the three musketeers of must-see, Adam, Jerry, and the giant elephant in the room. It was not a giant elephant in the room, really, it was more like, well, a giant hole in the room now. A black hole, a vacancy, like all the vacancies in the cheap motels, the roach nest, fleabag, vermin ridden shit holes that lined the roads of the New Jersey Atlantis: Something, or someone, was missing.
That someone was Wally Diggs. Diggs Was angered by what he saw as the uppity Borsch walk shouldn't Sigfroi of the two other members in the Three Musketeers of must see. So the Three Musketeers of must-see became the duo of must-see which lacked a tongue twisting catchphrase nicety that the musketeers of must-see implicitly, inherently, intrinsically, by its nature, softly suggested as it twisted and echoed out of the mouth to land Elegantly like a feather onto velvet when it reached human years. Wally left loudly. Wally took no prisoners. Wally exited stage left like a Tasmanian devil like a whirlwind like a cyclops or a cyclone destroying everything in its long goodbye. The evidence of Wally's departure was medical examinations upon arrival at the emergency room of various hospitals after brutal beatings Service of process giving notice to defendants in suits filed by a team of Wally's attorneys Harsh words freckling smashing shattering eardrums as they thundered in and out Screens torrential downpours like tempests in a temper tantrum of a terrible terrible toddler who can't have his toy on his birthday at Toys "R" Us Leaping violently from the shopping cart landing on a pile of Barbie dolls and G.I. Joe's and tearing packages and frightening clerks Vomiting and shitting and pissing and throwing little toddler Nike shoes at the shins of store managers That was Wally's departure. Wally, in other words, went out of the musketeers of must see Trio, with a bang.
Adam and Jerry, however, ever confidence together, felt strongly and confidently that this new reality program would again bedazzle the likes of the American public. If the Three Musketeers of must-see was a trio like a fascist bundle of twigs which would not break up when one tried very hard to break the bundle of twigs over one knee Send the newly formed do well or not newly formed but rather re-organized as a duo group hit the scene for its sequel segue into the foray of American television reality programming it was going to be huge.
The Trampus began his decline from mogul to bum with one very famous as far as history goes Wager. He decided to make a real splash when he announced on national television that he would wager his reputation, his wealth, his life, his very name, his relationship with his family On one fateful game of chance. When told by prominent biologist Dr. Ness from that his success and his fortune was the product of well good fortune Not the product of his own merit but merely the logical consequence of mediocre accomplishments in the context of a great benefactor of randomness That strictly speaking from a statistical point of view, his Circumstances at birth and his lock put in a rather vulgar way was the obvious results of a series of numerical combinations that perfectly summed into Whatever number three now known as Trompas represented. When confronted with this postulate this hypothesis the Trampas responded that well fine if chance randomly selected me or rather did not select me but happened upon me or I happened upon it and it became the Trampus or whatever he was called back then with the toupee that he wears on his head then fine I will submit my Self to the wins of chance and randomness and numerology or mathematics so her algebra or statistical probability once again. i will place my to pay on either black or red at roulette and wherever the chips fall or not chips but the little ball that goes around the roulette circle well then let chance give me what it gives me one more time. Of course, mathematicians and sociologists and psychologists and theorists of other disciplines all cringed at the analogy Nonetheless the tramp stir said he would put his hair on either red or black and let his fortune fall into the hands once more of fate. But the wheel of fortune was not as kind to the Trampus now known, as it was to the Trampus whatever he was called before he was called the Trampus at the birth of the Trampas. Prior to that fateful game of fate and chance that chance game of chance the Trampas had used his power his mighty influence to pass a number of local state and national statutes Those statutes were designed to memorialize legitimize and put into law the consequences of the wager of the Trampas. Of course, he had to gamble against someone, or someone had to be the "house" and that house that casino that giant casino in this giant wager happened to be the American public. So the bet was this: if the Trampus wins the Trampus becomes king of America if the trip is loses the Trampus becomes the Trampas. Since the Trampus is now the Trampus we don't have to tell you who one.
The concept of the new reality program created by Jerry and Adam was That the Trampas would, despite all "odds", try his best to engineer a great comeback. As with most people with a high degree of success, the musketeers of must-see now known as the duo of some other NOM occur Believe in the In definite teachable power of the individual to rise up above strife and hat and circumstance and win against all odds. The odds in this case were not even that bad. At least not during the wager. But the Trappist in his former incarnation, had used all of that power that am developed and surrounded the things that now is the Trampus informally was something altogether different made such an impact That it was nearly impossible for the current Trampus the present Trampus to overcome all of the obstacles created by the thing now known as the Trampas formerly known as something else. And so the belief held by Adam and Jerry, and presumably, at least presumed by Adam and Jerry to be held by, the Trampus, was unlikely. At least less likely then the likelihood of success for something like the Trampus before the wager.
Chris Motherfuckin' Evans, 2012